Nightmares: My Self-destructive personality1:02 AM
|Art by Anima é Cuore Studio Artists Laura Dickenson|
To my self I must be true...
even if it kills me
Written by Jesus Figueroa
To hold things in and let them build up until self-destructive behavior starts to destroy a person's mind can be as scary and dreadful as it sounds.
Being self-destructive is not a good thing, even when many say it like it is.
Those who treat it like a badge of honor have no idea what it is to live a self-destructive life.
A self-destructive personality isn't just physical harm or beating one's self up, it's a disorder which deals with self-perception, self-worth and self-doubt.
The harm part is automatic, and it's more than physical pain.
Self-destructive personalities can be as simple as studying non-stop for a test for hours to a more complex starvation due to emotional instability and even dangerous to the point of mutilation.
Self-destructive personalities are not always the easiest to spot, and many times they tend to go with other diagnosis psychological disorders.
There are many who live their lives without allowing others to see the self destructive personality disorder.
Something as harmless as doing a math problem over and over until the correct answer is reached multiple times can be a warning sign.
The lack of feeling in control can also add to the disorder.
Tonight I've been in this room pacing back and forth through most of the night. I can't sleep.
The pitch dark room is so bright in my mind. I can see the path I walk almost as well as I can walk it.
The red curtains don't let light in and I can't tell if its the middle of the night or if its the afternoon. Not like it matters because I dislike the sun either way. I prefer the night, I no light.
This place has become my niche. This place has become comfortable. I don't really like people to see me and I hide away as much as I can.
I'm an actor, I wear masks and I don't want people see me.
I want you all to know that I am being vulnerable here. That scares me and in someway I can fee this as being my mind punishing me in a new way.
So I hide in the darkness, I stay in the shadows and I destroy that of me which people have already seen, just so they won't see it again, just so they won't be comfortable with who I am.
So the night has become my best friend. I can trust the night. After the day it will always be here. People leave, people always change and they will always lie and hurt those they say they care about.
So I am fine with the night, I am happy with the night, I am good with my self-destructive personality, because one day it will all end.